LIMERICKS by Rupert Smith

There was an old person on Scruff

Whose manners were surly and rough,

His body was smelly

And he had a huge belly

But he got loads of cock up the chuff.

There was a young person of Diss

Seriously addicted to piss.

He replied to an ad

And by nightfall he had

Loads of it thanks to Craigslist.

A timid young man from Westminster

Dreaded becoming a spinster.

So he showed off his cunt

On his profile on Manhunt

At the cost of his job in Westminster.

There was a young man known as ‘Ed’

Whose GayRomeo profile read

‘No fems and no fats,

Over 40s or blacks’

That stupid young wanker called ‘Ed’.

A horny young fellow called Humphrey

Put up and advert on Gumtree

Stressing his size,

And got loads of replies

From men from all over the country.

A butch young builder said ‘Mate,

‘To my wife and my family I’m straight,

‘But I saw you on Squirt

‘So we started to flirt

‘And now I would like to fellate.’

There was a young man with a beard

Whose sexual habits were weird.

Thanks to Grindr and Scruff

He had gallons of stuff

Spaffed in the hairs of his beard.

A closeted queen from Kincaid

Found pretending you’re straight gets you laid.

He denied who he was

Simply because

He got oodles of fabulous trade.

A wife saw her husband on Gaydar

And quickly found out he’d betrayed her

With trick after trick

Anything with a dick

Within travelling distance on Gaydar.

There was a young person whose app

Led to several cases of clap.

When they said ‘are you lacking

Self-respect by barebacking?’

He simply returned to his app.