Sunday 25 October 2015

Equal Opportunity Shagger by Menno Kuijper

Lyrics by Menno Kuijper © 2006 + 2011 
for a song written by Menno Kuijper & Richard Link © 2006

Equal Opportunity Shagger

(Announcement over drum roll)
And now ladies and gentlemen, a song about moral awareness and social sensitivity!

There are people who go through profiles
The way they go through shopping catalogues
They check your details, compare your features
And make sure that you tick their every box
And if you don’t, well, tough, they won’t even
Bother looking at you twice
To me it seems so cold and superficial
But I guess that they don’t always realise

That in the end, we’re all human beings
Who need love instead of prejudice
I will never be so narrow-minded!
Just think of all the fun that you would miss…

I’m an Equal Opportunity Shagger
I like guys of any shape and size and form
And I love them all with gay abandon
Every hole’s a goal, as long as it is warm!
            (Hot shit!)
I don’t care about trivialities
Such as the hair on your back
If you look a bit like Shrek
The penis that you’ve got
Be it circumcised or not
I’m an Equal Opportunity Shagger
All I care abouououout
(Care about)
Is to share it ououououout
(Share it out)
So what d’you say, your place or mine?
Or right here would be just be just fine!


            Oui, oui!


            For all!
Für alle!
Per tutti!
Pour tout!

The person next to you may not be up your street
But they could be the finest shag you’ll ever meet!
So come with me and sow the seeds of love
(Spoken, by small / weedy guy)
God knows I’ve got buckets of the stuff

What, the little one?
Who’d have thought!
Er… You free after this?)

‘Cause we’re all Equal Opportunity Shaggers
Whether you’re young
Or old!
And use a zimmerframe
Oh, kinky!
We’re not ones for age discrimination
As long as there’s a pulse then we are game
But please be legal!
And we don’t care about technicalities
If you’re hung like a mouse
Need a pill to get aroused
If you have an extra ball
We don’t care, we’ll do you all!
‘Cause we’re Equal Opportunity Shaggers
All we care abouououout
(Care about)
Is to share it ououououout
(Share it out)
Till it’s all there is
Let’s leave this world
In a state of post-orgasmic bliss!

(Come on give me a kiss
Think of all the fun you’d miss
State of post-orgasmic bliss!)


Wednesday 30 September 2015

THE 'GROUND HEART' by Nyasha Paragon Langley

It's the application that spawned a thousand fruitless interactions. Millions of topless abdomens that disappear when challenged for facial recognition. Discrete, like your exposure is my life's mission. I'm fighting my own battles and have no time to facilitate your implosion. In your own time but you probably shouldn't be on your day grind. Surprise surprise I don't do blind date with Pricilla White. What did you expect when you sent me your best assets. And I don't care how well your abs flex if I can't see your face I'm gonna take rain check moving on to the next. 

He said its HIV I said it don't bother me but your attitude does to other STDs so please wrap it up before we get nasty. I was being blunt not hunty. Most importantly I was protecting my piece. See I'm well versed in terms like high and horny and how they normally come coupled with a trip to 56 dean street. Tail between your legs as you enter on your feet. Because you went to a chill out party, slept with with the room but forgot the Jonny. No that's no longer for me, I luckily escaped without doing my abc, out the door into my uber taxi. 

The money's gone, and the bags are empty, the people have dissipated leaving stained jeans. The heart sinks like a hole in Miami. The whole room turns fuzzy. He can feel the San Andreas fault running up from his abdomen. At least I have the gin. A salted tear drop hangs from his chin. He now has no one to stop these liquid strings, he had confused the word aqaintence for the word friend. You see these lads had no interest in him just his system. Being alone is what he dreads, a collective held together by kinks and dirt. You see it's only a matter of time before life grabs you by the eyes and makes you blind. But he survives by telling himself lies.

He chose the app to build his house skimped on concrete and didn't put foundations down. I'm okay he said just looking for fun his heart beating with that static hum. Yeah that's cool but what's your status Hun. You can hear the fingers saying it's only bareback between these buns. Waiting for a reply from the other he moves on to the next with a flick of the thumb. You see I'm not calling Grindr bad I'm just asking the question 'with technology what have we become?'

Thursday 10 September 2015

OUTSIDE THE BOX by Daniel Davis

I spent years feeling “outside”,  would cry at the thought
That I ought to be someone else, some other sort
Of man, who could fall for a woman, then be,
Everything England expected of me.
I searched hard, and in vain, for some other self,
For a costume that fitted, kept me off the shelf
And its gathering dust, and I may as well say
That the last thing I wanted was to admit I’m gay.
But that old life, it took every chance to remind me,
That inside and outside weren’t living in harmony
The scorn of one would flash-fry  the other,
As I tried to fit in, be a son, friend and brother.
Until finally, one day, a guy kissed my lips,
And as he rested his hands on my trembling hips
That dam of resistance was just swept away
And I finally screamed from the rooftops
“I’m gay!”
Naively, I thought “Yes! The End of my journey!
I’ve found the holy grail of a phrase to define me”
And yet here I am, 45, and old  tears have dried
But nevertheless, I’m now mystified.
Am I a daddy? An otter? A bear?
Or maybe a fox due to silvery hair?
A top or a bottom, a ‘vers’, or a side?
What if none of the drop down menu applied?
I can’t be a twink, because others decided,
I can’t be a ‘muscle’, biceps are derided
By gym bunnies! Gyms? Somewhere I never go,
So what the hell option do I click on below?
Where’s the one that says “Me! And
It all depends whether,
I’m feeling like cuddling, or dressing in leather
Or maybe I want to be stroked with a feather
Where’s that option below? “
The one that says…
 “Me, I would like to be just who I want to,
But apparently that doesn’t exist in the menu,
And I won’t show up in searches, unless I define
Myself as a category that isn’t quite mine”
So I turn off the screen, after scratching my head
And I go and do something less boring instead
I might be missing the chance of the nicest of cocks
But I can’t help myself, I’m just
Outside the box.

Wednesday 19 August 2015

Chatting is Contemporary by Grindr Guy 27

 Chatting is Contemporary

Hi sexy                

Hi babe.                             U so sweet         what does a boy like you              Do in an app like this?

Question             to you                  Mister

Nice pi                 c            


Wish                     I was in                bed                       with you              now

You free now?  
More pi               c             s


You still there?

(and then we fucked. He liked it deep and badly. He wanted kisses and cuddles and chats and stories and news and dedication but no dedication and)   ;you know what

he wanted badly not to be loved
he wanted to s   t             a             y             o            n             h             i              s             own

and all those Hi-s                            and the what’s ups, the what you up for, the locations all texts texts and texts                 
b            u             t why should we make it a big deal           ;you know that

All we did was contemporary

that all we did
we did

We Did  

Grindr Guy 27

Wednesday 15 July 2015

Visual SCRUFF poem by Ernesto Sarezale

Visual SCRUFF "poem" 
by Ernesto Sarezale

Grindr (Subject to availability) by Simeon Simms

I lure you in with a 'Hey'
But let's chat
I want you to see what I see
and assume I'm the type of free that would tie himself to a tree
You want me?
Traveling to where you lay in jungles to make concrete sing
But hows about I don't make it too easy
Hows about I make you want me
but not just the part that grows firm in dreams
and leeks substances from time to time
Hows about I take my time
'Because I don't wanna get chop up tonight'
Sorry but I say what comes to mind
Unlike the others before me who came 
and vanished
With no opinion 
No life
So it's different this time
You're hooked
You want me but why should I want you?
Can you feed me?
Take me to go see a movie
I want three bottles of wine and a spliff...
If I agreed to come without letting you know me, you wouldn't have even offered me a drink
Hows about we meet half way
Pay for my cab
Pay for my sex
Is that what this is?
I mean, I don't want to give it away for free
To become just like the others before me
What do I do?
Hows about I don't do this
I'll put myself
Back on a dusty shelf
Hows about that?

Saturday 11 July 2015

JUST LOOKING... by Bren Gosling

by Bren Gosling  

Tap a tap tap the magic lamp
Type the password
Climb the ramp
Make the genie appear.
Going for a swim
in the aquarium,
aqualunged behind a glass pane,
I kiss the light.
A plume of tiny hairs rising to the navel,
The bicep circled by heavy tattoo
You remind me of...
Gone off -line, here we go
Another Waterloo.
Pierced nipple marooned
on the foreshore of a shaven chest
By an unseen tidal surge, wounded
starfish can’t hook up now,
No face pic kills my urge.
Private pictures open all too quick
An advent calendar impatient for Christmas,
extra  large.
Arse splayed ready, no femms
chemical friendly.
don’t do bears.
Your face drunken
Leery, posed with anonymous
In a Wetherspoons so dreary
Reminds me of a cousin’s wedding
where I ate too much cake in
Wolverhampton last year...
TV’s welcome,
No- bloody- fear.
House trained romantic smoker
a plus, only black men please
don’t make  no fuss.
It’s my preference.
Threesomes, foursomes
groups galore suck
me dry
then some more,
Don’t block me I’m
no whore just
a horny guy compelled to score.
ClickWash and Go
Looks unimportant, nor  expecting
a match made in heaven, hey
don’t bother me if
you are over 27.
Remove Tracks, Click
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Somewhere out there
So are you
Just looking.

Thursday 9 July 2015

BODIES by Greg Owen

(read at Let’s Talk About Gay Sex and Drugs, Ku Klub, Soho, 9th July 2015)

London - the city where muscle, ripped, VGL, hung, bisexual and straight are the currency and start up traders or those with low stock value in the above are quick to fall foul of its sexual politics and cut throat heartlessness.
These labels are flung around regularly with a seemingly blissful lack of awareness on the users' part of the base level, negative impact such apparently acceptable sexual attacks – no, sorry - ‘textual attacks’ cause and the underlying erosion of self-worth that they actively generate. And most cause the recipient to revisit any previous, now dormant past abuse. It is without question, certainly compounding any existing hangups those receiving said attacks have, we’re talking about other gay men here! 

Gay men who, let's face it, might fix up in the latter part of their teens and early 20’s with maybe… a set of veneers - yes my front 6 teeth are made out of the same stuff as your Nan’s best china - that’s porcelain you’re looking at now.

And those same gay men may have done a course of steroids or 8. Yes, that’s ‘all gone on’ right here over the last 10 years. You wouldn’t think it to look at me now though; I’ve been slacking lately and not been to the gym in over a year. And before one of you thinks it or says it - yes “I woke up like this” or as is usually the case with me “I never went to bed” – “like this”. There are a few of you in here tonight that know me – that happens!

Now that I’ve outed myself - apart from the 1 Botox treatment about 3 years ago - that is all of my fixing up - fessed up. Apart from - I dye my eyebrows and eyelashes in the summer because as a blond Irish guy – after a few days in the sun they disappear and rocking the “Chemo Chic” look is not a good look. Yes! I went there! But that really is it now.

Back to my point. Those comments and thinly guised ‘textual attacks’ within our own community which - is fundamentally a community consisting of grown up and fixed up, bullied school boys, that are now living the grown up and seemingly acceptable 2015 version of bullying - totally acceptable online but ask yourself this - as in most online versus real life comparisons… would you really behave like that face to face? If you were in a bar or club or cafe actually chatting with another guy?

Here’s how those things would sound if they were they real life conversations:

Muscle only - You're fat and out of shape and you really need to go to the gym

Ripped only - I mean have you ever seen the inside of a gym? Carbs are not your friend

Very Good Looking only – I’m totally up my own arse and only ‘up-date’

Into hung only – I’m a ‘bottomless bottom’ That is not an admission! Or a confession by the way! It’s in keeping with the rest of the examples! Like I said there are some of you in here that know me – not that well! Anyway - and will most likely be thinking I should have held out a bit longer for a bigger guy than you.

Into bisexual or straight only - This really is how out there gay men can be sometimes – “I only sleep with or date straight guys”…if you are dating or screwing him is he actually ‘straight’? Come on! And can someone please gift that gay a fucking dictionary!

These are observations not judgments. To judge would contradict the point I’m trying to make.

I know I’ve slightly exaggerated those statements for the purpose of the exercise but is it really that far from the truth? If you even vocalized anything of those things at 20 percent of that abruptness then I’m pretty sure you would qualify as a sociopath? No? So why do we do it?

Why also is there the need for the ‘not into’ information that guys like to push on a profile? This is pretty much exclusively reserved for the fems, the twinks, the chubs, the Asians, the Blacks, the gingers and the poz guys. Leading me on to HIV.

Surely there is some sort of cause and effect here? Most of my positive mates picked up the virus while on some sort of life spin out - not all of them but a substantial proportion. I can’t help feeling that the general endemic use of such broadcasts - although perhaps unintentional is unfathomably unacceptable and regularly erodes say 50% of this community’s self worth be that consciously or subconsciously. And it has to manifest itself somewhere at some point down the line. And it does! Often with a vengeance and at a hefty cost.

Maybe its time we all took as much responsibility for our words online as we would when face to face with another person of the same sexual preference. Who has already faced enough hatred for being ‘different’ in his life up to now from those that are different. Let’s not make him face it all over again from those that are the same. Instead broadcast and post what you celebrate and what you are ‘into’ not ‘not into’. It will play its small part in changing the future we can hopefully enjoy in a supposedly equal Western World.

If straight people have shown their support for us being given the right to live as equals, can’t we at least match that as a gift to each other and allow ourselves and all the other gays to be equals - consciously, actively, and freely.
You can decide for yourself with your own actions the next time you’re online.

I've just talked about gay sex and drugs – BODIES!!!

See you all on Grindr boys!


Tom’s headlights blind me 
too bright to see through his window 
so I sidle up beside and look inside 
he smiles wide as I inwardly sigh because this guy 
looks totally different to his profile picture. 
His hair once tucked in truckers cap, 
Rapper thug trope of black aesthetic, 
a mimetic that triggered desire for bigger men than me 
is gone now instead thin plats dangles loosely at his back 
In a way school girls might braid just to keep it neat and tidy, 
I slide in on the passengers seat beside him 
greeting his tired eyes that say don’t run away 
its Tuesday your listening to vibes fm at a quarter past 10 pm. 
His first question off set my expectations 
The soft Jamaican pronunciation 
Was so light and airy for such a wide and heavy man
With heavy hands clamped on the steering wheel 
“How are you?” a delicate query like leaves testing puddles in the street 
Held taught on thin films of awkward tension, 
I don’t mention my disappointment but hesitate wondering how to delineate my current state,
and then explain that I am nervous.
 “Why you nervous for?” he lilted, tilting his gaze to the road partially phased out of view by the snakes of rain, breaking in chains on the window pain of his Ford Mondeo.
Its not far he assured me,
and the car engine roared key in lock,
and vibes fm assured me it was gonna be a serious night tonight. 

Dicks shiny head popped out of the covers 
I buzzed down the corridor like a bumblebee drunkenly
bumbling down a corridor to the sound of the buzzer
before The pre-recorded voice robotically instructed me
to “close the door behind you” 
It echoed the tune of clinical musk
vacuum packed new build flats,
sterile shopping isles of fully furnished identical
pre-packaged high renticles.
The last door is ajar and candlelight
creates a path as I enter and shut the door behind me. 
The glistening silk pillows of dicks bed
are punctuated by his bald and grinning head
mischievous and excited his eager glee
ignites the presence and ominous glare
of a giant teddy bear sat dominating the room
on its wicker IKEA throne chair,
a voice moans inside me,
does dick have special needs,
but then recedes many grown men must still have teddies
I still have a that raggedy rabit but I usually grab it and
hide him in the closet if I have a casual guest,
Get undressed he tells me,
Im not arrested by his request
infact it brings back memories of truth or dare,
I felt dared to share a secret part of myself
infront of this 35 year old man who has no books or photos of friends or posters on his walls instead decorating with candle lit shadows of me taking off my clothes and getting into his bed.

How can you live in this mess
harry stressed as I knelt
pushing books and and belts off of my bed
Harry carried himself over the clothes thrown over my floor,
And curled his smile wryly eyeimg me as I felt his stomach grow tense
I was so tired my eyes hurt but as soon as his shirt lifted
the sands of sleep sifted to reveal a nugget of burning zeal
yerning to seal the gap between our lips and
for him to grip me by the hips and ask me if I was his boy.
Oi take your shoes off and tiptoe up to my room, he’d warned wearily as we snuck up his stairs silly with desire and fear.
Their would be no explaining to harrys parents what I was doing at 2am on a Tuesday sneaking in to play the same game of whispered refrain that now took place at my mothers house,
we covered each others mouths dousing the spasming flames
of painfull ecstasy with warm wet cocobutter sweat collecting in pools that shuddered in utterances of
stop, stop  your gonna make me buss,
trust I get bare anti when I buss
don’t rush.

A few illustrations byJacob V Joyce

by Jacob V Joyce

Tuesday 16 June 2015


(with thanks to grindrstories.tumblr)

I’m in town for the night, all alone in my hotel room.

Is there any ice?

Room service. Yeah.

Can you stick your dick in a bucket of ice and then fuck me so that it’s like being fucked by a vampire?

Sure. Come on over. Kings Cross. Comfort Inn.


I use this traditional three step model as a relationship template

i) We have sex
ii) We meet in person, see if we like each other
iii) We get married

Isn’t it physically impossible to have 1 before 2?

Not the way I do it.


Lol, people use it to find sex. I’m just looking for a friend.

Cool. But I feel the age gap would be too significant for friendship.

You’re two years older than me.






I’m a serial killer



Got a face pic? Or r you just a talking torso?


I’m so high

Can you move?

Why? Am I in the way?


Jus chilling. U?

Scoffing chocolate, drinking gin, watching Les Miz. Crying


Gr8 hair btw

Thanks! Hey, what you into?

Cuddling, love it!  Hopeless romantic.

Cuddling? How is cuddling going to get these BEES OUT OF MY FRIGGIN TEETH!!!!!!!!?!?!


You a straight top?

Top. Yes.

9 ¾

They say staying invisible increases your chance of being desired. Sad. But you’re different! Because while everyone else is a degraded version of the selves they’ve created on here, your profile says that you are aware of exactly what’s going on like you go into a 60s themed bar and you know the 60s themed bar is better than the ones they had in the 1960s, see what I’m saying? (2.22 AM)

Hello?  (2.26 AM)


Nice name.

Thanks, my parents gave it to me on my birthday.

Friday 29 May 2015


This mind
And then recoils
At neon rancid
Transition television
Detergent filth suds
That surface
Upon porno washroom
Silk soft sermons
And leather cries
A deeper
Of the gas blue multitude.

My Tired eyes
And go down to the potters house
Where I am caused to hear your words in parables
But I am reticent
With ungracious orgasm
Strokes of sore friction
Churning dry
On shaved scalp
Banked in pupil pulp aggression

Jerusalem bathes beneath us
A choke hold reminder
of the missile son,
who sings
Celestial exhaust fume
Sacrificial seductions
Into the hip new atmospheric particulate
With a gentle
Of the legs

Our lashes
Canter to new light
Flash bulb electromagnetism
With A swaddled ash-cloth new age Messiah
Jesus in Furs
Mouth piece to the roped up
Soft core trench dirt alley cats
Severed from the scrap heap colossus
Of hipstermatic pornographic God
Reviled and relived
Through broken sphincter

‘The council of God stands forever’
Braced and lubricated
Sparking effigies of merriment
And delivered unto me
Uniting the call of seraphim sweet land locked degenerates
Who masturbate in unison
When the clergy thwarts the hand of condemnation
With the beating hand of forgiveness.
Against the backdrop
Of new millennia
Late night
Channel 5

Jesus performs
Stripped and hung
Lacerated liberation
For those who seek righteousness 
In tender arms
Stained with prosaic proverbs
As we wear him upon our eyes
Which in time become blurred
With a pestilence
That softens smooth at the edges
Sweat pearl
Switch blade nihilism 
Tongues flap
Gaunt dribbling
Honey suckle
Sowing the seeds
For the many
Who doubt
And cower alone
In the night light orgy
Before bed
Judging not lest he be judged
A true dedication
To the habitual
To the faux polygamous mind
Mans greatest source
Of punishment pleasure
Is crucified
Within the word