Monday 18 September 2017

FOUR POEMS by Dan Webber

Titles: "Homo On The Rocks",  "Anonymous at 6am", "You Only Send Kisses When You’re Horny", "NSFW".

Homo On The Rocks

I'm at a house party playing catch up, starting to feel the effects of a few cocktails,
and I set sail back to the bar 
I'm stood looking over the booze trying to choose 
When this guy next to me says 
"Oi mate, you don't want that drink, that's a gay drink" 
Now I've had a few sherries and I'm feeling pretty merry
Perhaps a touch more unsteady than I'd care to admit, 
but I'm reckon I can still hit this motherfucker if it comes to it  
"A gay drink?!"
I reply, manic twitch in my eye 
and I see the guys face drop
And before anyone can stop me, I say 
"Do you know exactly who you're talking too?
I'm Grindr’s finest 
the only cocksucker in the room 
and for you to assume that my choice of drink in any way reflects my sexuality is a travesty! 
It's 2017 
Where have you been? And what have you done? 
And what can I do to help you overcome this belief that gay means bad or inferior in any way?
It's sad really”
He apologises for any offense 
and I spend the next twenty minutes furiously texting my friends
In the morning, he may not remember
Liquor loosens lips
but I hope before the next time he opens his mouth he thinks


Anonymous at 6am

Hey guy,
Just to clarify
Never have I ever given the impression
Or mentioned, that I would be A-OK with a 6AM message to say
That I am invited round for fun! And I should totally come
I yawn, as you offer arse crack at the crack of dawn
and I’m forlorn at your approach
Encroaching closer and closer to the creepy
I’m still sleepy, I don’t need this, and yet still you persist
No I don’t know who you are
I didn’t fix your sisters car
Nor do I work at buttery reservoir
You have me mistaken
I haven’t taken you out for a drink before
I’m not that guy you think you saw
No, honestly? I’m not sure what I’m looking for
But I’m guessing it’s not you
And you’re continuously pressing the send key
Bombarding me and I’m still politely saying no
Your persistence isn’t flattering
Nor is the smattering of faceless nudes included in your flirtatious texts
I gathered than you are horny yes
But I’m really not feeling this.
“No worries” he sends and blocks me
Like I’ve done something wrong


You Only Send Kisses When You’re Horny

You only send kisses when you're horny 
And being at your beck and call is starting to get boring 
You had the chance for this to advance 
But you told me you wanted to keep things “caus” 
Well I'm done with that
I'm dressing smartly for a change
trying not to arrange 
A date that I know ain't going anywhere 
Just because I'm so damn scared of being alone
Or of staring at my phone all night
Wondering who else is awake at this time and feeling like this

You only send kisses when you're horny
And I know by now that cross is there to warn me 
But I'm still making mistake after mistake 
Taking whatever is offered 
Without hesitation, 
Without question, 
Without consequence or recompense 
In an attempt to feel a little less like me
Wrapped in an embrace I can pretend is real albeit briefly
And I say that this time is the last time
Until the next time I hear that message chime and  
and I'm there, right back by your side
Looking you dead in the eye and thinking 
What are we doing?
ruining a friendship
We both know this is never going to be a relationship 
And although you call me babe I wasn't born yesterday 
So please, please don't treat me that way 

You only send kisses when you're horny



I think being single has driven me insane.
I’m clearly not the same as I was when I was taken,
I’ve forsaken all my loyalty, my monogamy,
I still have the vow of poverty but now I’m shouting
“Look at me! Yes you, look. At. Me. Yes you, the handsome guy with the perfect quiff!”
(I never said I was good at this)

To quickly lower the tone, I wrote this on my phone and quiff came out as stiff
Which is a very different poem…

I keep meeting guys at events and becoming hell bent, trying to work out where I know them from
Every answer in my head seems wrong, when all of a sudden I get this hideous reminder
“Oh yeah, now I remember you, I’ve seen your cock on Grindr”
That’s normally where the conversation ends,
And my friends seem to part like the red sea
And no one really talks to me
Or even looks at me
So I quickly leave the kiki…


Dan Webber

Dan has been involved in the East Midlands arts scene for the last 14 years and is a respected actor, writer, producer and director. Through spoken word he hopes to change this.

He has appeared at YNOT Festival, Derby Comedy Festival, Bearded Theory Festival, Queer As Jokes, London and Incite at The Phoenix Artists Club, London. 

He was a finalist in the Poetry is Dead Good Mix It Up Midlands Slam in 2014, in October 2016 he was named BBC Local Poet for Derby for National Poetry Day and in July 2017 he was commissioned to write a poem for The Cathedral Quarter, Derby winner of Best City Location at The UK High Street of the Year Awards. 

Dan has supported Robb Johnson and Joe Solo on tour, is one sixth of Twisted Tongues (Derby Spoken Word Collective) and organises LGB-QWERTY, Derby’s only lgbt+ spoken word and variety night. 

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